I wake up in a panic. My heart’s beating fast. My chest is tight, and I’m scared. It’s the third day in a row this has happened. What is happening to me? 

I look at the clock; it’s 3am. I do a body check and see where the panic is sitting. It’s sitting in my chest and not in my stomach. So this is an ego thing and not a soul thing. I’m relieved because I now know whatever the problem is, it’s a surface issue, and I’m going to be ok. 

But I still need help. I grab my phone and Google Joe Dispenza. I have never been interested in this man’s work until now. Not because I don’t believe in what he does; I do. But because I’m a medium and psychic, I know how to do my own meditations and move between realms, but something is telling me I need his help. 

I look at his catalogue of work, and there is a course for a few thousand dollars. I don’t have the money for that. 

I then go on a forum and see that someone has gifted the entire Joe Dispenza catalogue of work. I can’t believe it. 

The course I wanted is there, along with the meditations I’m drawn to. I only take what I’m guided to take and leave the rest. 

I start doing guided meditations, morning and night. 

It’s a struggle to get to the morning meditations. I’m used to meditating as soon as I wake up, but I do it lying down in bed. Joe requires me to sit up, with my feet on the floor, so I drag myself out of bed, throw some clothes on, and because it’s cold, I wrap myself in my blanket before sitting down in my chair. 

“I have to do this!” I tell myself. I must uncover what needs attention within me. It’s the third morning of the meditation, and I decide not to listen to Joe’s instructions, and I ask my future self other questions. 

She sits me down and tells me I’m going through an ego death. This is why I’m waking up with my chest tightening.

“Another one?” I say. 

“Yes. But this time you know what to do. It won’t be long.”

I moved out of that meditation with a deep understanding and the knowing that I no longer needed to do Joe’s meditations. And my future self was right; I knew exactly what to do. 

I surrendered. 

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The last of my friends crumbled away. And I let it. I didn’t fight it. 

The kitten I had manifested, who was a cherished member of my family, no longer felt right. I began to feel uncomfortable with her in my home. I no longer wanted her on my bed, sleeping with me. I was no longer the woman who had manifested the kitten. So I started making plans to rehome her. 

Everything was changing. Again. 

Whilst I’m surrendering, I’m feeling out of sorts. Yes, this is normal, but I feel empty, depressed even, and something is telling me I need an anchor while my world is crumbling. I journal this feeling and decide to lean on my trusted tool. The act of gratitude.  

The year prior, I had completed a 28-day gratitude practice, and it brought me so much joy that I decided to lean on this same process to help me through my ego death. I go online and order a brand new journal to write my gratitudes in. 

It’s emerald green, with a sun embossed on the front of it, with each stage of the moon circling the sun. I smiled as soon as I saw it. What a timely message during a time such as this. Each stage of the moon represents change, while the sun is the one engineering the change. I am the sun engineering change from within so that it may be reflected in the outer world, as the sun’s light reflects off the moon. 

When the journal is turned to sit on its spine, you see each page lined with gold. I run my fingers along the pages and bless the journal by affirming it with an intention. 

“I have surrendered, Universe. May our wants for me be aligned. I am ready to be in complete flow.”

Day 1

On the first page of the journal, I was inspired to write a love letter to myself. 

My Beautiful Hero,

Thank you for saving me.

Thank you for choosing me.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for never giving up on me. No matter how hard it may get, you always have my back. 

This year, I am creating a life that I want to live. A life I enjoy, full of fun, play, love, adventure, peace, abundance and prosperity. A life I love waking up to every day. 

So thank you, thank you, thank you for doing what was needed to bring this delicious life into my reality. I am so grateful. May you forever be kind to me. May you forever give me grace. May you forever be compassionate towards me, because that will help me keep thriving even when I pause just to be and enjoy. 

Forever yours, forever more

Love,

Sage X

I read the letter out loud with one hand on my heart and cried heavily. I have no idea why I’m crying, but it feels as though I’m grieving. Maybe I’m grieving the me that’s dying. 

Day 2

I give health & body, career & work, money, relationships, personal desires, and material each a page of their own. 

But I struggle to fill the pages. The only page I can fill with ease is my career & work. “This is not like me,” I say to myself. I look at last year’s gratitude journal, and these same sections are overflowing with reams and reams of pages. But what’s written on them no longer connects with me. They feel alien. 

I close the journal and decide to lean into whatever is coming up for me. If this is all I have this time round, then so be it. 

Day 3

I choose three people that I am grateful for. Two of them are my children. I had told them that I was going through an ego death, and so I’m not myself at the moment. In fact, I don’t know who I am, and I feel lost. I had cried when those words were spoken, and they had both hugged me and told me it was ok. 

They were helping out more. My son amped up his play-fighting antics, and we were wrestling around more than usual. My daughter, even though we were not seeing eye to eye, was 18 and wanting her independence; she was being proactive and asking me what needed to be done around the home beyond her chores. 

Day 7

I’m not sure what’s happening, but one of the things I wrote under my career & work section on day 2 is manifesting in real time. My portfolio for my writing is coming together with ease. I have so much to choose from. 

I think the Universe is supporting my request to become a writer. 

Day 9

I write down a list of all my bills that are yet to be paid, and alongside each one, I write thank you for the money. As soon as I complete the exercise, I receive a download and write money is not to be manifested because it is not real. You’re to focus on the energy, not the paper. I put the pen down and read the download again and again. 

I check my body, and the message resonates. I thank the Universe for the message and say, “Ok Universe, I’m going to stop manifesting money, let’s see what happens at the end of the month.”

Day 15

I’ve logged into my banking app and see I have an extra £200 in my bank account. It’s the child maintenance. I gave them a call, and they had finally sorted out the maintenance for me. I look out the window and thank the Universe. 

I then check my emails, and Ben, my golf coach, states I can come to the club outside of my lessons and practice for free. That saves me money on going to the range for practice. I thank the Universe again. 

Day 18

I write a magical to-do list of things that are happening right now and things that I’d like to happen in the future. I check each one in my body. And there is no resistance to any of them. That confirms that each one will be completed. 

That’s the first time that has happened. I feel different. I’m still in the middle of my ego death, but I feel like once I get to the other side, things will be different. I just don’t know how or what.  

Day 21

I write a magnificent outcomes list, and I realise that they’re all synchronicities. Even though I’ve decided to rehome my kitten, I managed to get my kitten microchipped for £10, and all her follow-up appointments are free. 

A cat shelter got back to me quicker than I expected and said they have space for her. And I was able to use the £200 maintenance and take my son clothes shopping, so what I was going to spend on him, we were able to use on booking a trip away instead. 

The synchronicities feel so supportive. 

Day 26

I find out I’ve been betrayed, and two things happen. 

I become the villain. It’s a conscious decision. One I do not shy away from, which is not like me. Usually, I would remove myself from that person’s environment and block them without saying a word. But in this instance, I believe being the bigger person is overrated. Instead, I send subliminals in the WhatsApp status and then tell her in a message that yes, I am talking about you. I then make a list of 10 reasons why I’m grateful for this person and grateful for the lesson she has taught me in this situation. 

I place my hand on my heart and forgive her, and a smirk forms on my lips. It felt good to be villainous. 

Day 28

I wrote a list of good things that happened recently.

I had batch-cooked for a few days

I had put a laundry load in the machine

My daughter apologised to me

I bought treats for my children, and I

I wrote an article and a newsletter

I have money in all my bank accounts, and it’s the end of the month  

I took a sick day off work and spent time in nature with my son, and he brought his friends along

I had a golf lesson, and my swing has improved

I put in a flexible working request so that I can give more time to my writing 

I looked at my list and smiled. My list felt like a warm hug. No wonder I couldn’t fill the pages on day 2. I’ve simplified my life.

What causes lack of gratitude? 

A lack of gratitude can come from focusing only on what you don’t have and things (on the surface) not going your way. The truth is you have so much to be grateful for. 

Over 10 years ago, I found myself homeless with two young children, and one of the things that got me through my homeless season of three years was focusing on what I did have. I had a car that I could drive to the beach every weekend. My two children were happy and flourishing, and I had a very small community who were trying to make my life easier. Someone gave me two huge bags of designer clothes and shoes. I was walking around in Alexander McQueen from head to toe while homeless. Not only was I so grateful that I didn’t look homeless, but my friends and I would laugh that I looked better than the rest of the group despite being homeless. 

I only focused on my cup being half full, sprinkled with a little delusion, which is why I’m here to share my story. 

That doesn’t mean I didn’t acknowledge the problems. I did. But acknowledging them allowed me to release the need to worry over things I had no control over and brought my attention to what I do have. 

What are 5 ways you can practice gratitude?

1. Make it a priority. As soon as you wake up, start writing 10 things that you are grateful for and why. For instance, I’m grateful that I’m working part-time as a cleaner because it means I can maintain a certain lifestyle and not worry about money while building my business. 
2. Always say thank you to God, higher power, higher self, or even yourself every time you sit down to eat. 
3. When something goes ‘wrong,’ say thank you because you are being given the opportunity to become a brilliant problem solver. The solution is right around the corner. 
4. Every time you pay a bill, instead of moaning about it, say thank you for having the resources to take care of yourself.
5. Whenever you buy yourself something, whether it’s food, clothes, hair, nails, holidays, homeware, etc., say thank you to the universe, god, your purse. It doesn’t matter who; just say thank you. Acknowledge how blessed you are that you’re able to not only take care of your essentials but you’ve got extra to do something nice for yourself.  

Why do I struggle with gratitude? 

Because you’re only focused on the problem and what you don’t have. However, one size does not fit all. 

My daughter is AuDHD, and she sees everything in black and white, so naturally she only focuses on the negative. She is aware of this, so she comes to me and talks out her situation and asks me how I see it, and yes, I acknowledge what’s not going right, but I also acknowledge what is going well so that she has a full picture. She always leaves those conversations so much lighter and with a new perspective on the ‘problems.’

How do I train myself to be grateful? 

Like any habit, you have to train yourself. Get yourself a pen and journal or notebook, and for the next 28 days, write down 10 things you’re grateful for and why. Make sure this is the first thing you do when you wake up. If you meditate in the morning, then do this after you’ve meditated. And come back here to let me know how you’ve got on.