Have you ever said, “She/he doesn’t deserve forgiveness?”

Yeah, me too. And I’ve heard many people say the same thing as well. But I realised that by not forgiving, I had given my power away and voluntarily become a prisoner of my own unforgiveness. I was trapped.

I may ruffle feathers with this post. That’s not my intention. My intention is to show you the freedom forgiveness brings. Because no matter how you package the truth, sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Forgiveness doesn’t set the betrayer or abuser free; it sets you free.

When you don’t forgive, your energy becomes blocked. It hardens into bitterness, or it seeps out as sickness, addictions, or cycles of harm. Forgiveness, on the other hand, allows that beautiful energy within you to keep creating and manifesting.

The cost of unforgiveness

For instance, my mother is consumed by unforgiveness toward herself and the people she once had around her. This manifested in the way she treated my siblings and me.

I knew from a very young age what was ravishing my mother. And now, at almost 60, she is a bitter, raging alcoholic with an autoimmune disease. No one wants to be around her, and she doesn’t even want to be around herself.

And yet, no matter what she’s done to me, I forgave her.

I also forgave my father, who abused me along with his friends.

What forgiveness gave me

Forgiveness brought me peace, calm, and healing. It allowed me to alchemize what had happened to me into being a generational cycle-breaker.

It allowed me to get close to myself without outside influences and to raise my children differently. Not from a place of “I don’t want to be like my parents,” but from a place of listening to my heart.

The toxic mother–daughter dynamics that plagued my family stopped with me. Today, my daughter and I have a beautiful relationship. She still lets me in on her secrets; we go out for dinner, and on weekends, she chooses to walk with me by the river, where we share our goals, revelations, and laughter. The kind of relationship I wished for with my own mother, but couldn’t cultivate because she held onto long grudges against her mother.

Her lack of forgiveness stopped her from cultivating the mother within her. It left her broken and lost. I refused to repeat that story.

How to begin forgiving

I know it’s not easy. At first, forgiveness might feel impossible. But when you become committed to your own growth, you realise something: even though the pain happened to you, it was never really about you.

Read how to surrender when life feels hard

How to forgive someone when it feels impossible? 

1. Step 1: Acknowledge the pain before you can forgive.

Don’t hold on to it, but don’t run from it either. Anger, rage, heartbreak,  let yourself feel it. This is what holding space for yourself looks like.

2. Journal your feelings to process and release.

The more you acknowledge what you feel, the quicker it moves. These days, once I lean into my pain, I can forgive within a week. That once scared me, but listening to spiritual teachers confirmed that I was on the right path.

3. Say the words: how to fully forgive and let go.

Journaling about what happened and how it made you feel helps you process it. Over time, you see clearly that their actions were about them, not you.

4. Speak forgiveness out loud.

At some point, you’ll reach the moment where you can say: “I forgive them.” You might do this in front of a mirror, in your journal, during meditation, or at your altar. There is no wrong way.

A different kind of strength

When you surrender to forgiveness, something shifts. Your old self,  the one clinging to pain, begins to die. In its place, you gain compassion and clearer boundaries. You stop being so easily offended because you understand that hurt people hurt people.

Forgiveness doesn’t make you a doormat. It makes you powerful.

Closing reflection

If you’re wondering how to forgive when it seems impossible, know that forgiveness is a journey, not a single moment. It doesn’t mean you have to forget, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to let that person back into your life — yes, you can forgive someone and still stay away from them. What it does mean is choosing yourself. Choosing peace over pain.

Forgiveness isn’t about them, it’s about you. When you allow yourself to feel the pain, process it, and then let it go, you reclaim your freedom. And in doing so, you’ll discover a deeper trust in yourself, and a gentler way of living.

Sage x

FAQs on Forgiveness

Why am I unable to forgive?

Often, it’s because the pain hasn’t been fully acknowledged. When you suppress or rush past your emotions, forgiveness feels impossible. True forgiveness starts with allowing yourself to feel the anger, sadness, or betrayal before you can release it.

How to forgive when it seems impossible?

Forgiveness feels impossible when we think it means excusing the other person. But forgiveness is not about them — it’s about freeing yourself. Start by acknowledging the pain, then gradually shift into compassion for yourself. With time, forgiveness comes.

How do you fully forgive someone and let things go?

Fully forgiving means you no longer carry the weight of the hurt in your heart. It doesn’t mean forgetting or inviting them back into your life. It means you’ve processed the pain, released it, and reclaimed your peace.

Can you forgive someone and still stay away from them?

Yes, absolutely. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still choose distance. You don’t even have to tell them that you forgive them. In fact, setting boundaries is often a form of self-love and protection that supports your healing.