A few months back, I was scrolling through Instagram and came across a video. The video was by a well-known spiritual person with a podcast.

His video was about aging gracefully, eliminating Botox and plastic surgery, and when he last looked at Bradley Cooper, he was unrecognisable. Now, Bradley Cooper’s new look? I have to agree with him there. He looks like a different person.

As with all content I watch on social media, I like to scour through the comments. Sometimes the comments are more entertaining than the content itself, and sometimes you learn more about the story being told.

This time, when I looked through the comments, I felt sad – just seeing men and women asking the content creator if it’s ok that they have Botox a few times a year, or that they needed that liposuction, or that getting surgery for aesthetic reasons helps them to attract the opposite sex because men are always looking for younger or more youthful-looking women.

Watching grown adults ask another human being for permission about their own bodies stirred something deeper in me.

It wasn’t really about Botox or surgery. It was about authority.

Authority & Permission in Spirituality

It took me back to when I was a Christian. Everyone was looking for a leader. No one wants to lead themselves. But leading oneself is the start, middle, and end of your spiritual journey and awakening.

Because leading oneself is Christ-like and is the embodiment of spirituality.

Walking Away From Religion

It was December 2019. I finally mustered the courage and told my therapist that I no longer believed in Christianity.

It took me two years to find the courage to declare loudly that I didn’t believe in the religion. I was scared. I had so many doubts, such as: What if walking away from Christianity is walking away from God? If Christianity is the only true religion, what will happen to me? Would my life turn to ruin because I’ve walked away, just like the people pastors like to talk about on their pulpit to scare people into staying in the church?

And then there were the other thoughts, such as: your life isn’t being lived the way you want while staying in the church. Did God truly create you to settle for mediocre? Aren’t your desires planted by God? And if God is all forgiving, then wouldn’t she welcome you back if it doesn’t work out?

Once I had decided to walk away, I felt peace, and I was surprised at that because I had been walking around for two years in turmoil over this.

I walked away still believing in God, but I knew Jesus was more like me than the preachers had led me to believe, and I was ready to finally do life on my own terms.

When Old Structures Collapse

The first weekend of 2020, I dumped my boyfriend at the time. When I started therapy at the start of the second quarter of 2019, I knew after my first session that my boyfriend and I were not going to last. I was scared at that thought.

Every week, I would show up at my therapy sessions and discuss our relationship, and I felt more repulsed by him. The therapist would ask me each time what I wanted to do about that, and each time I’d respond with, “I don’t know,” and she’d say, “Then there isn’t anything to do. It’s ok not knowing.”

But I knew. I was just too scared to do it. Then, in November, I told my therapist that I wanted to end it. I was done, but due to finances, I was going to end it in April 2020. Well, by January 2020, I had had enough and ended it. I’m grateful I did because the pandemic arrived not long after, and my finances turned out to be fruitful.

The Spiritual Awakening Begins

Five days later, he moved out, and I immediately experienced my first-ever kundalini. For two weeks, I was in complete bliss. I had energy flowing throughout my body. It felt like electricity, and I felt this low humming sound within. I hardly ate or slept, but I was full of energy. This was the first of many of my rebirths. And I didn’t look back at my ex, not once. The energy in my home became light once again, and I was back to operating at my highest self and not having to dumb down my intelligence because of an insecure man.

This was my spiritual awakening, and I had no idea what was happening to me. It felt like my intuition was dialled all the way up to 100 and the Universe was talking to me in caps.

I’d watch a movie, and the universe would be talking to me.  

I’d go to the shops and the universe would talk to me through people.  

As soon as I’d think of something, it would manifest almost immediately.

It was crazy, and yet I didn’t know what was happening to me. No one around me was experiencing this. I couldn’t research what I was going through because I had never heard of a spiritual awakening, let alone kundalini. And yet I wasn’t scared. I was in awe.

Leading Yourself Without a Framework

It felt familiar. It felt like I knew this was how things are meant to be. I can’t explain this knowing, but I knew I was safe and that everything was going to be fine. I took one day at a time and kept looking straight ahead. This was the life I thought I was going to get when I was a Christian, and yet once I left, I had also let go of whatever was holding me back, too.

There was no framework for what I was experiencing. No pastor, no book, no guide that could explain it in real time. I realised that if I wanted to live, I had to move forward, and that couldn’t be outsourced.

And so I had to do one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I had to lead myself.

Ego Death & The Loneliness of Awakening

I was scared. I had never done anything like this before. It was all new. At the time, I didn’t know, but looking back, I realised I was leaning into the unknown.

I started making decisions that were not logical and instead were heart-led. They brought peace and stability. Not the stability that we’re taught in the matrix, such as a job, money, savings, buying a house, education, etc., but stability in the form of myself. In this space, I came to realise that I am my own safety net. I am God.

And for two years, I was lonely. I experienced my first ever ego death, and I still had no idea what was happening to me and no one to talk about it with.

In the beginning, I fought it. I tried to join communities that promised friendships, but nothing worked out. So I got mad at the Universe and then surrendered. I started doing things on my own, small things at first, like going for walks in nature, arranging day trips to the beach, journaling my achievements and thoughts instead of calling someone. I learnt to enjoy my own company, my intuition sharpened, and I started trusting myself.

The Practice of Presence

However, even though my body was at peace, my mind was rambling all day, every day. It kept going over scenarios, past situations, and I couldn’t understand why, because I felt at peace.

Halfway through 2022, I came across the idea of being present and being still and incorporated that into my everyday life (thanks to Eckhart Tolle), and the rambling stopped. I discovered that it was the ego, and the ego was against my spiritual awakening.

Community Without Attachment

Then I came across a community. Not in the form of friends but in the form of an online spiritual group, and someone talked about their experience on a group call, and it was similar to mine. For the first time, I had names to describe what I had been through and that I wasn’t alone.

Every week, I showed up to the group mostly as a listening participant, listening to all kinds of stories from people from all types of backgrounds. All of us were going through a spiritual awakening and ego death. Business owners, millionaires, stay-at-home mums, and minimum wage workers, and we were all doing it in our own way.

I was in that group for six months, and then I left. Nothing bad happened. I just heard a whisper saying it’s time, and so I listened and left and continued solo on this journey. At this point, there was no conflict. I understood my intuition and how she showed up.

Leaving the group felt natural. At this point, I knew how to be alone even if I didn’t want to. I wasn’t afraid of it anymore, but I was aware that I was once again leading myself.

Friendships for a Season

I met people along the way who were also spiritual. I formed friendships with some, but none ever lasted. They were always just for a season. I would get upset because I really wanted friends. I thought my season of being alone had come to an end, but I was wrong. I soon realised that these people showed up to show me how people showed up in their journeys. There is no right or wrong. There just is, and I still had to work through my co-dependency.

Returning to Inner Authority

Through religion, relationships, communities, and friendships, I kept encountering the same lesson in different forms.

Spirituality isn’t about finding a leader or guru that you can learn from. It’s about knowing that you are the source. You are the teacher, and by leading yourself, you walk in your own light, living a life that is aligned with you and not anyone else.

Community is for us to help each other and be inspired by each other, but it’s not for us to imitate each other. Each of us has gifts and abilities. Some more than others, but we all have them. You cannot find them if you’re making someone else’s beliefs, values, and success your own.

So don’t be scared to take that step that seems different from others. It may seem ridiculous on paper, but if your heart is singing, then that is the step you may want to take.

And as one of my spirit guides said to me recently, there is no greater purpose than to live a life that you see fit for you.